Can You Read These Correctly The First Time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

To All Language Learners (not necessarily English)

"I know your head aches; I know you're tired; I know your nerves are as raw as meat in a butcher's window. But think what you're trying to accomplish. Think what you're dealing with. The majesty and grandeur of the English language, it's the greatest possession we have. The noblest thoughts that ever flowed through the hearts of men are contained in its extraordinary, imaginative, and musical mixtures of sounds. And that's what you've set yourself out to conquer... And conquer it you will."

-My Fair Lady

New Spelling?

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!

Kelantan Airport

Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up - our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.

You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

Lawyers

These are from a book called Disorder In The Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place...

Attorney: This Myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
A: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
W: I forget.
A: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

A: Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
W: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

A: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
W: Uh, he's twenty.

A: Were you present when your picture was taken?
W: ...?

A: She had three children, right?
W: Yes.
A: How many were boys?
W: None.
A: Were there any girls?
W: ...? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

A: How was your first marriage terminated?
W: By death.
A: And by whose death was it terminated?
W: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

A: Can you describe the individual?
W: He was about medium height and had a beard.
A: Was this a male or a female?
W: Guess.

A: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
W: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

A: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
W: The autopsy started around 8.30.p.m.
A: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
W: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

A: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
W: No.
A: Did you check for blood pressure?
W: No.
A: Did you check for breathing?
W: No.
A: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
W: No.
A: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
W: Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.
A: I see. But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
W: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

British English vs. Malaysian English

Who says our English is teruk? Just read below - Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to-the-point, effective etc.


WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.

Malaysians: No stock.


RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith.. Did anyone call for me a few moments ago?

Malaysians: Hello, who call?


ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY
Britons: Excuse me, I would like to get by. Would you please make way?

Malaysians: S-kew me.


WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?

Malaysians: (pointing at the door) Can ah?


WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.

Malaysians: No need shy shy one lah!


WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.

Malaysians: Where got?


WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I would prefer not to do that, if you don't mind..

Malaysians: Don't want lah.


WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE..
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice? I'm trying to concentrate over here.

Malaysians: Shut up lah!


WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment..

Malaysians: Die lah!!


WHEN SOMEONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it. Here, let me show you.

Malaysians: Like that also don't know how to do!

Of Course, Only The English Could Have Invented This Language

I don't know who came up with this but they sure have a lot of time on their hands...

We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes
One fowl is a goose but two are called geese
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice

If the plural of man is always called men
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three may be those
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose
We speak of a brother and also of brethren
But though we say mother, we never say methren
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him
But imagine the feminine - she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple
English muffins weren't invented in England
Quicksand works slowly and boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig

Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
You can make amends but not one amend
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Why do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship
We have noses that run and feet that smell
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
A house can burn up as it burns down
You fill in a form by filling it out
And an alarm goes off by going on

If Father's Pop how come Mother's not Mop?
And if people from Poland are called Poles
Then people from Holland should be Holes
And the Germans, Germs.

Of The Words "No", "Of", and "Punya"

If you're familiar with Japanese sentence structure you'll probably know (and if you didn't, you will now) that the adjective comes before the noun with the use of the possessive particle no. Let's use my favourite example: mahou no kotoba or "magic words". Mahou is the adjective "magic" while kotoba is the noun "words". Now, let's work with the understanding that the possessive particle no is used the same way we would use the word "of". When I first started learning Japanese I wondered "Exactly what is the logic of using a possessive in describing something?" Then one day I realized that we've been doing the exact same thing in English. Haven't you often heard people utter "words of magic" or "words of love", or even refer to "this hat of mine" or "this pearl of yours"? Sure, it's backward (and of a completely different meaning) if you were to translate it directly as "magic of words" but the rule still applies.
Ironically enough, speakers of Malay may find this easier to relate to despite the fact that Malay sentence structure places the adjective after the noun. We'll use the example orang gila or "crazy person". Orang is the noun "person" while gila is the adjective "crazy". Unfortunately, this cannot be rewritten according to English sentence structure as "person of crazy". It can, however, be rephrased as gila punya orang, with the possessive punya.
I now have a theory that this particular form of Malay sentence structure is in fact an adaptation of Japanese sentence structure. What do you think?