Lawyers

These are from a book called Disorder In The Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place...

Attorney: This Myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
A: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
W: I forget.
A: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

A: Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
W: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

A: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
W: Uh, he's twenty.

A: Were you present when your picture was taken?
W: ...?

A: She had three children, right?
W: Yes.
A: How many were boys?
W: None.
A: Were there any girls?
W: ...? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

A: How was your first marriage terminated?
W: By death.
A: And by whose death was it terminated?
W: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

A: Can you describe the individual?
W: He was about medium height and had a beard.
A: Was this a male or a female?
W: Guess.

A: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
W: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

A: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
W: The autopsy started around 8.30.p.m.
A: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
W: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

A: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
W: No.
A: Did you check for blood pressure?
W: No.
A: Did you check for breathing?
W: No.
A: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
W: No.
A: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
W: Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.
A: I see. But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
W: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

British English vs. Malaysian English

Who says our English is teruk? Just read below - Ours is simple, short, concise, straight-to-the-point, effective etc.


WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.

Malaysians: No stock.


RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith.. Did anyone call for me a few moments ago?

Malaysians: Hello, who call?


ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY
Britons: Excuse me, I would like to get by. Would you please make way?

Malaysians: S-kew me.


WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?

Malaysians: (pointing at the door) Can ah?


WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.

Malaysians: No need shy shy one lah!


WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.

Malaysians: Where got?


WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I would prefer not to do that, if you don't mind..

Malaysians: Don't want lah.


WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE..
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice? I'm trying to concentrate over here.

Malaysians: Shut up lah!


WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment..

Malaysians: Die lah!!


WHEN SOMEONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it. Here, let me show you.

Malaysians: Like that also don't know how to do!

Of Course, Only The English Could Have Invented This Language

I don't know who came up with this but they sure have a lot of time on their hands...

We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes
One fowl is a goose but two are called geese
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice

If the plural of man is always called men
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three may be those
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose
We speak of a brother and also of brethren
But though we say mother, we never say methren
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him
But imagine the feminine - she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple
English muffins weren't invented in England
Quicksand works slowly and boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig

Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
You can make amends but not one amend
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Why do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship
We have noses that run and feet that smell
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
A house can burn up as it burns down
You fill in a form by filling it out
And an alarm goes off by going on

If Father's Pop how come Mother's not Mop?
And if people from Poland are called Poles
Then people from Holland should be Holes
And the Germans, Germs.

Of The Words "No", "Of", and "Punya"

If you're familiar with Japanese sentence structure you'll probably know (and if you didn't, you will now) that the adjective comes before the noun with the use of the possessive particle no. Let's use my favourite example: mahou no kotoba or "magic words". Mahou is the adjective "magic" while kotoba is the noun "words". Now, let's work with the understanding that the possessive particle no is used the same way we would use the word "of". When I first started learning Japanese I wondered "Exactly what is the logic of using a possessive in describing something?" Then one day I realized that we've been doing the exact same thing in English. Haven't you often heard people utter "words of magic" or "words of love", or even refer to "this hat of mine" or "this pearl of yours"? Sure, it's backward (and of a completely different meaning) if you were to translate it directly as "magic of words" but the rule still applies.
Ironically enough, speakers of Malay may find this easier to relate to despite the fact that Malay sentence structure places the adjective after the noun. We'll use the example orang gila or "crazy person". Orang is the noun "person" while gila is the adjective "crazy". Unfortunately, this cannot be rewritten according to English sentence structure as "person of crazy". It can, however, be rephrased as gila punya orang, with the possessive punya.
I now have a theory that this particular form of Malay sentence structure is in fact an adaptation of Japanese sentence structure. What do you think?